VIDEOS
Hold Still Light Escapes
Nic was in the early throes of a substance use disorder and we had to get him out of the city. Karen found a therapeutic boarding school in the northeast that seemed right for finishing high school. Getting him there was an emotional drain, paying for it all was a mental shock. With stress hormones high, I had a heart attack with a double side of bypass surgery. Hold Still Light Escapes lyrics were written while waiting to be wheeled into the operating room.
Slowly
In October of '21, Karen and I were walking east on 23rd street in New York City. It was a jam packed sidewalk yet beautiful fall Sunday, Nic had been gone for three months and life's optics felt like the inside of a grey aluminum can but on this day, we both felt a glimmer of happiness, as if, "wow, the grief cloud is finally lifting."
Not the case. Just a 1st of many brief reprieves.
4th of July
On July 4th, 2021, two days after Nic left us, grief was in full force. 1000 pounds of emotion. Walking up a steep country hill and its inherent inertia was a competitive distraction. A dark voice spoke suggesting that crying while the fireworks were soaring in sonic bursts would drown out the wail, concerning no one.
LIKE IT OR NOT
The weight and consequences of circumstances. A warning to a lover of a current state of sanity. A mother’s lament. A post war casualty...A rocker.
MOTHER TERESA
Teresa brought Nic to the dealer after they both decided to use. He was 6 months sober, she was in a methadone program. He died. She survived since methadone sometimes quells the effects of fentanyl. The day was played out in texts on Nic's phone, complete with her contact info. I called her. I called her out. Five months later Teresa overdoses and dies. She is forgiven.
Her story, my emotions.
TRUE LOVE
True Love was partially written before Nic was born and my prior to my marriage. It was actually written about my fears of commitment to Karen but from a female point of view. Unfinished as of two years ago, I found it, solved it and mixed it. It's theme of not trusting love after a big hurt or trauma felt relevant to this body of music.
Thanks to Dan Petty for the initial songwriting session.
This video is also a dedication to my previous studio, New Calcutta Recordings, NYC (1997 - 2020).
HUNTINGTON BEACH
A beautiful vista yet it will always remind me of a relapse while in an outpatient program and 5 days of living under a stairwell of a seedy beach motel with a fellow escapee. The words are an amalgam of Nic's text conversations with his coconspirator. This was the 1st of many short stints of street living while he was using. The visual is an online camera of the Huntington Beach pier. Karen and I would watch it everyday from New York in the event that we would see Nic walking by.
YOU CAME OUT FOR ME
Late June 2021. After 5+ months of sobriety, a cloud of darkness plus hovering self doubt and unnerving anxiety returned. Nic searched out milder than heroin substances to relax: acid tabs, over the counter sleeping liquids. The portal was now open. His agitation toward us when we visited him at his sober house was high and argumentative. Before he got out of the car, he looked at me with sad eyes and said, "I'm sorry." For a moment, I saw him in there - not the demon. He then ran to his house. I chased him for a hug, begrudgingly on his part. This was the last time I would see him. Two weeks later, fentanyl would take him.
AT THE END OF THE DAY
Written just after Nic's 1st heroin overdose and a feeling of not being able to say goodbye had he not survived it (thank you Narcan). My naive knowledge of a substance use disorder had me convinced that this event would scare him straight. Not the case - almost never the case. Pre-fentanyl era stats: Only 2 out of 10 heroin addicts survive. Thanks to Chris Seefried for helping me to complete this song.